Syntax of Things

At Least He Didn't Say Tennessee

The New York Times' Frugal Traveler may have just opened a can of something that he won't be able to close again.   I hope he makes it out of the state alive:

With its litany of sports stats, a replica of the coach’s office and utter lack of historical context, [the Paul W. Bryant Museum] reminded me of the Joseph Stalin Museum, in Gori, Georgia (the country, that is).

How Much Is More Than Too Much?

I wish someone would help fashion designers realize that a backpack priced at $1,300 or a sneaker that'll run you almost $300 cannot and should not be associated with a man who was fond of getting his next cigarette out of ashtrays.  Syntax of Things sez this "Jack Kerouac Project" is the height of fashion absurdity, a faux pas if you will, based on the cost alone:

Hogan will unveil its first-ever outerwear piece on Tuesday, when the Tod’s Group-owned brand debuts the Jack Kerouac Project, a capsule collection of six leather goods pieces inspired by the Beat novelist, writer, poet, and artist, which will be available exclusively at Paris retailer Colette for one month. In addition to the $1,590 bomber style jacket, the collection consists of two styles of shoes (a $295 high top sneaker and a $475 working boot) and three bags (a travel bag, book bag, and back pack priced from $950 to $1,290). Colette will celebrate the launch by showcasing a series of photographs influenced by Kerouac’s novel On the Road in its iconic rue Saint-Honoré store windows. Following its debut at Colette, the collection will be available in all Hogan stores worldwide beginning in July.

Ding Dong

Words to remember him by:

"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."

"Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America."

"Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions."

"God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve."

"Homosexuality is Satan's diabolical attack upon the family that will not only have a corrupting influence upon our next generation, but it will also bring down the wrath of God upon America."

"I am such a strong admirer and supporter of George W. Bush that if he suggested eliminating the income tax or doubling it, I would vote yes on first blush."

"I believe that global warming is a myth. And so, therefore, I have no conscience problems at all and I'm going to buy a Suburban next time."

"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being."

"The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."

{quotes via}

Keep Jesus in the Grounds

Poor Michelle Incanno of Springboro, Ohio.  All she wanted was a Venti Triple Latte Carmel Whipped Cappofrappe at 140 degrees with three shots and skim milk hold the foam but double the sugar and add a cube of ice, but what she got when they handed her her cup made her toenails curl.  On the side of her Venti cup was an anti-Jesus message penned by a Starbucks customer from Canada that read:

Why in moments of crisis do we ask God for strength and help? As cognitive beings, why would we ask something that may well be a figment of our imaginations for guidance? Why not search inside ourselves for the power to overcome? After all, we are strong enough to cause most of the catastrophes we need to endure.

As you might imagine, WorldNetDaily is all over it.  They've been after Starbucks and their cups for over a year since the company used a quote by Amistead Maupin that promoted a gay lifestyle. 

My god, this has to end.  How are the Beaters gonna get their caffeine if they have to start boycotting Starbies?  This could lead to an economic disaster the likes of which this country has never seen.  Not to mention the fact that the percentage of people sleeping through Sunday sermon will go up drastically.

The Return of Ask Dr. SoT

Been some time since I've answered an imagined question to Dr. SoT. Tonight's question is from my wife, who asks:  "why do you act so stupid sometimes?"

Well, wife of SoT funny you should ask.  New research has revealed that there is a possible scientific explanation for this stupidity.  If you'll look at the image above, you'll see on the right the male brain during normal "thinking and reasoning" activity.  On the left is the male brain during orgasm, a state that most males seem to go through too many times during the course of any given day. Just throw a box of donuts in front of your average male and you'll see what I mean.  Anyway, what it shows is that the frontal cortex, where reasoning occurs, is deactivated, meaning that during the BIG O, the male of our species becomes, well, dumb.

I would go into more detail but adkajdf;kda;lkdmmmv;akerupwoeuirf.

More here.

Quote of the Day

"Our officers recognized him.  We knew we had the cop from Village People."--San Diego cop on arresting the cop from the Village People.

Ironic Ain't It

What you see above is the ironieteken, or irony mark.  It has been introduced by the CPNB Foundation, a Dutch literary group, as a way to flag irony in written text, which seems to me to be yet another attempt to make the world a slightly dumber place where everything, even the most obvious, needs to be pointed out to the masses so that no one can ever feel left out, slighted, offended.  And trust me, what starts as a crooked exclamation point in the Netherlands will end up as highlighted text with footnotes in the U.S.

More here.

Kicking a Dead Horse And Selling the Bones

Inspired by the Totebag! and needing to generate a little revenue around here in order to hire a better Editor of Photography, I've decided to offer my own Syntax of Things product line.  Choices are limited at the present time, but I think you'll find I've tried to cover the basics.  I hope you enjoy your shopping experience as much as I enjoyed creating the product.  And unlike those snoots with their Totebag!, I'll be more than happy to customize.

All proceeds that don't go to our new hire will be used to buy organic baby food for Marlie and the occasional plate of raw oysters for a certain someone who loves 'em raw.  But don't let that discourage you from buying.

Open Letter to n+1*

Dear n+1,

Can I get my Totebag! embroidered?  I was thinking, "Can't We All Just Get Along?"  Cliched, I know, but hell, it's all I could think of.  I'm a litblogger (sorta).

Sincerely,

SoT

*For those of you who have no idea what inspired this post, consider yourself lucky.  While I've enjoyed the feuding, it reminds me too much of the argument one sees on baseball blogs between the Sabermetrics folks and the "purists."  Ultimately, the goal is essentially the same.  Sit down and enjoy a baseball game, getting out of it what you will.      

First Scrotum, Now Vagina

There's no end to the insanity:

A public high school has suspended three students who disobeyed officials by saying the word "vagina" during a reading from a well-known play.

The honor students, Megan Reback, Elan Stahl and Hannah Levinson, included the word during their reading of "The Vagina Monologues" because, "It wasn't crude and it wasn't inappropriate and it was very real and very pure," Reback said.

Their defiant stand is being applauded by the play's author.

"Don't we want our children to resist authority when it's not appropriate and wise?" said Eve Ensler, author of "The Vagina Monologues."

The excerpt from "Monologues" was read Friday night, among various readings at an event sponsored by the literary magazine at John Jay High School in Cross River, a New York City suburb. Among the other readings was a student's original work and the football coach quoting Shakespeare.

The girls took turns reading the excerpt until they came to the word, then said it together.

A football coach quoting Shakespeare?  Really?

I Would Congratulate Mark Sarvas, But I'm Too Busy Updating My Resume

Seriously, I have found my calling.  I don't care if I don't meet the requirements; I'm willing to do a little nippin' & tuckin'.

{a tip of the hat to a Mr. Jimmy Beck}

Warning Lights and Rip Torn Beating

Well, as I probably should have predicted, I didn't make it through the trip without problems. I'll spare you the details, but I can report that there exists no ignition modules for my car in the town of Lannett, Alabama. Luckily, I somehow managed to limp the 200 or so miles from the spot where the "Service Engine Soon" light started its ominous blinking to my parents house and was able to find said part two towns over from there's. Here it is Wednesday evening, I'm still in Alabama, and I'm hoping, praying that I'll be able to hit the road first thing in the morning, arriving by evening to see the wife and wee one, whom I've spent my first nights away from this week.  Don't forget that tomorrow (Thursday) starts SoTShoStoWriMo.  I'll have to figure out a way to get this kicked off.  If you have any ideas or would like to join, drop me a line.

I'll leave you with this video of Norman Mailer and Rip Torn beating the living crap out of each other.

 

Stupid Is...

I think this qualifies as meta-dumbing:

Fox announced Saturday that it is making a new game show, "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" that will air sometime later this year, perhaps as early as the spring.

Adults will compete in a quiz based on questions from elementary school textbooks. Actual elementary school students will be on hand as "experts" for the adults to consult with.

"While most game shows measure how smart you are, this is a show that will measure how dumb you are," said Peter Liguori, Fox entertainment president.

Misery

Feeling extra crappy this morning?  Well, here's why:

[W + (D-d)] x TQM x NA

According to Dr. Cliff Arnall, the man who came up with this formula, today is the most miserable day of the year. "The formula uses six immediately identifiable factors: weather, debt, time since Christmas, time since failing our New Year's resolution, low motivational levels and feeling a need to take action," Arnall said in an interview last year.

So cheer up, tomorrow is calling for a little less W and a bit more TQM. 

As for me, I'm fighting a head cold of some sort, a gift from my wife and child, both of whom seem to be doing better this morning, which ordinarily would make me feel better but doesn't because now I'm left to suffer it alone. Which means that today is truly a miserable day for me, even by normal miserable day standards.  I didn't need a formula for that.

Hiss

Pediatrician visit today.  Shots.  Screams.  Red face. Tears. And that was me.  Marlie took it okay.  I'll be back tomorrow, but in the meantime, take a few seconds to consider the fact that cats aren't a good fit for the Christian household:

Additionally, cats practice many unclean habits not befitting a Christian household: coughing up fur balls, licking inappropriate body areas on their own bodies (inappropriate handling) and even, in some cases, on the bodies of their human owners (wrongful motive?), urination on the floor, vocal and blatant promiscuity (unknown to any other species, all others being endowed with Godly chastity and decorum) and widespread sexual misconduct without the benefit or sanctity of holy matrimony, even orgiastic practices, substance abuse of catnip (an intoxicating herb) which produces conditions akin to drunkenness, stealing food from the table, producing ungodly sounds, excessive playfulness and the employment of devices not known to have been used by Jesus, the conducting of its unholy business under the cover of the darkness of night, and so on. What sort of example does this give our young ones endeavoring to faithfully serve Jehovah? The Bible clearly shows that 'neither fornicators .. nor thieves .. nor drunkards .. nor revilers .. will inherit the Kingdom.' (1 Cor. 6:9-11)

{via}

Standing on the Shoulders of Giants

I try to steer clear of news coming out of the town that my parents call home, but I've been laughing at this all day:

Gunfire landed a 70-year-old Atmore man in jail and a 62-year-old man in the hospital Monday after the two got into a heated argument over the height of recently deceased soul musician James Brown, police said.

Atmore police said David James Brooks Jr. walked into the police station and told officers he had been shot. Paramedics rushed him to a hospital for treatment.

Minutes later, Dan Gulley Jr. arrived at the station, saying he had fired the gunshot, officers said Tuesday.

And what makes it even better is the reporter's attempt to find out just how tall Brown was.  Or this last sentence:  "Atmore officers said the shooting happened shortly after noon Monday and that alcohol is not believed to be a factor. "  Well, damn.

Counting "Votes"?

I wish I had it in me to encourage all of you to get out and vote today, but after watching Hacking Democracy (see it here) last week, I'm not sure it matters one bit whether you go to the polls or not. 

And now come to find out that Mercury is in retrograde.  Today of all days! Damn!

I'll be in my bunker if anyone needs me.

Loopty Loop

According to reports, less than 15 percent of the students who took the SAT last year wrote the essay portion in cursive. As someone who was told by his tenth-grade English teacher to never, ever write in cursive again, I must say that I'm happy to see that cursed form of writing going the way of the rotary phone and Tom Wolfe.  But is this a good thing?  Some, of course, think not:

There are those who say the culture is at a crossroads, turning permanently from the written word to the typed one. If handwriting becomes a lost form of communication, does it matter?

It was at U-Va. that researchers recently discovered a previously unknown poem by Robert Frost, written in his signature script. Handwritten documents are more valuable to researchers, historians say, because their authenticity can be confirmed. Students also find them more intriguing.

"They feel closer to that person as an actual human, that somebody actually wrote that just like me," said Jim Mohr, a professor of U.S. history at the University of Oregon at Eugene, who wrote a book on diaries from the Civil War. "There's a kind of personal authenticity to individual writing that's hard to capture any other way."

The loss of handwriting also may be a cognitive opportunity missed. The neurological process that directs thought, through fingers, into written symbols is a highly sophisticated one. Several academic studies have found that good handwriting skills at a young age can help children express their thoughts better -- a lifelong benefit. Children who don't learn correct technique find it harder to write by hand, so they avoid it. Schools that do teach handwriting often stop after third grade -- right after kids learn cursive. By the time computers are more widely used in classrooms for writing, perhaps in fourth or fifth grade, many children already have decided they don't like to write.

Beware of Boobs

Time to revive the old "Hell in a Handbasket" category for this one, Texas style:

FRISCO, Tex., Sept. 28 — “Keep the ‘Art’ in ‘Smart’ and ‘Heart,’ ” Sydney McGee had posted on her Web site at Wilma Fisher Elementary School in this moneyed boomtown that is gobbling up the farm fields north of Dallas.

But Ms. McGee, 51, a popular art teacher with 28 years in the classroom, is out of a job after leading her fifth-grade classes last April through the Dallas Museum of Art. One of her students saw nude art in the museum, and after the child’s parent complained, the teacher was suspended.

Although the tour had been approved by the principal, and the 89 students were accompanied by 4 other teachers, at least 12 parents and a museum docent, Ms. McGee said, she was called to the principal the next day and “bashed.”

She later received a memorandum in which the principal, Nancy Lawson, wrote: “During a study trip that you planned for fifth graders, students were exposed to nude statues and other nude art representations.” It cited additional complaints, which Ms. McGee has challenged.

The school board suspended her with pay on Sept. 22.

Horroratio

First we lost Gary Glitter's scintillating "Rock & Roll Part II" at our favorite football stadiums, now comes this:

A riches-to-rags story could be unfolding in Horatio Alger's hometown. As this Boston suburb gets ready for its 11th annual Horatio Alger Street Fair, town leaders are considering dropping Alger's name from the festival next year because of allegations of pedophilia against the 19th-century children's author.

In the 1860s, Alger quietly resigned as a Unitarian minister at a church on Cape Cod after he was accused of assaulting two boys -- an incident that is old news to literary scholars but came as a surprise to some civic leaders in Marlborough.

Those Kids Today

Parents, BEWARE!  Fight Club ain't just a book.  Your little Timmy may be out in the backyard pounding the snot out of his buddy Woodrow right now.  And damn if those fun nazis at USA Today don't have to go and ruin it for everyone.  Hell, they even have a "tips for parents" sidebar that doesn't include the tip, "If your kid comes home looking like Mel Gibson after he stumbled drunk into a bar mitzvah."  Nope, it's the typical "know your kid, invade his privacy, ask the tough questions" stuff that hasn't worked for at least a millennium now.

Personally, I don't see a problem with teenagers duking it out on playgrounds or in church basements.  If it keeps them from reading Harry Potter novels and smoking clove cigarettes I say more power to them.  But USA Today seems to think that teen Fight Clubs might be the new crystal meth or something. Survival of the fittest, USA Today.  If they're dumb enough to do it, then let them. 

Actually, the best part of the article is Chuck Palahniuk's only contribution to it since he refused comment despite being the man who wrote the book that inspired the movie that has led to all of this.  Old Chuck said, "God bless these kids. I hope they're having a great time. I don't think they'd be doing it if they weren't having a great time."

If I Should Lose My Faith

Everything is yucks and giggles until a 500-word post gets swallowed whole and no amount of coaxing or bribing will get my writing back again. I happened to finish my post at the worst possible time.  As I was saving it as a draft, proud of my lunchtime output and happy to have one task crossed off my list, I was greeted with nothing, the big white screen of no return, and after that I had no access to what I'd written or where I'd written it.  I could only pray that my post had been saved, that some divine miracle had snuck my data through to the base.  I didn't find out the truth until this morning. Now I'm sad.  It was a good post.  Didn't deserve this fate.

My best film of the year (so far) will have to wait until my faith in machines has been restored.  Meanwhile, one day I will learn my lesson about trusting all this modern technology.  From now on, it's candlelight, pen and paper for me. 

Put a Spell on You

I'm all for the simplification of spelling rules, but if it means that I have to learn to read again, screw it.  Try reading this article and see if you wouldn't rather just live with a reliable spell checker:

Carnegie tried to moov thingz along in 1906 when he helpt establish and fund th speling bord. He aulso uezd simplified speling in his correspondens, and askt enywun hoo reported to him to do the saem.

A filanthropist, he becaem pashunet about th ishoo after speeking with Melvil Dewey, a speling reform activist and Dewey Desimal sistem inventor hoo simplified his furst naem bi droping "le" frum Melville.

Roosevelt tried to get the government to adopt simpler spellings for 300 words but Congress blocked him. He used simple spellings in all White House memos, pressing forward his effort to "make our spelling a little less foolish and fantastic."

The Chicago Tribune aulso got into th act, uezing simpler spelingz in th nuezpaeper for about 40 years, ending in 1975. Plae-riet George Bernard Shaw, hoo roet moest of his mateerial in shorthand, left muny in his wil for th development of a nue English alfabet.

Carnegie, Dewey, Roosevelt and Shaw's work followed attempts by Benjamin Franklin, Daniel Webster and Mark Twain to advance simpler spelling. Twain lobbied The Associated Press at its 1906 annual meeting to "adopt and use our simplified forms and spread them to the ends of the earth." AP declined.

I love how the reporter couldn't keep it up for the entire article.

Deflated

My dad always told me, a man is no better than his word. 

There's nothing good about drug use. We know it. It destroys individuals. It destroys families. Drug use destroys societies. Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. And the laws are good because we know what happens to people in societies and neighborhoods, which become consumed by them. And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up.

What this says to me is that too many whites are getting away with drug use. Too many whites are getting away with drug sales. Too many whites are getting away with trafficking in this stuff. The answer to this disparity is not to start letting people out of jail because we're not putting others in jail who are breaking the law. The answer is to go out and find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them and send them up the river, too.

...We are becoming too tolerant as a society, folks, especially of crime, in too many parts of the country.... This country certainly appears to be tolerant, forgive and forget. I mean, you know as well as I do, you go out and commit the worst murder in the world and you just say you're sorry, people go, "Oh, OK. A little contrition."... People say, "I feel better. He said he's sorry for it." We're becoming too tolerant, folks.

--Rush Limbaugh TV show (10/5/95) <source>

Big Ugly Mouth, Indeed

A few weeks ago I mentioned my disdain for Henry Rollins.  I received a few emails asking why.  Well, I'll save the reasons for another day, but you can be sure that this old interview at the Modern Word is just one of many examples of the crap that comes out of his piehole that has pissed me off:

Neddal Ayad: I’m talking to you for a Web site called The Modern Word. They cover writers like Kathy Acker, J.G. Ballard, Ezra Pound, Faulkner...

Henry Rollins: Yeah, just so you know, that kind of writing never really did much for me. I knew Kathy more that I read Kathy.

They’re also big fans of Nick Cave over there.

Yeah, and we’ve published Nick here.

And William S. Burroughs, and Hubert Selby Jr.

Cubby [Hubert Selby Jr.’s middle name/nickname] is a long time friend of mine. But a guy like Burroughs, I tried to get through a few Burroughs books and was never able actually to complete Cities of Red Night, Exterminator, all that stuff, I could never punch through them.

Was it the style, or...

It never held me. That whole Re/Search magazine gang, you know, my life experience was so street level, on the ground touring. I remember reading On the Road by Kerouac in ’82 and the only thing that occurred to me was, “Kerouac, what a pussy,” because it was so nothing like what I was enduring on the road. I was watching people get stabbed and I was seeing some pretty rough stuff.

That’s interesting;  I was going to ask you about the Beats, because...

Kerouac, I can’t stand, I don’t see what the fascination is. I’ve tried Visions of Gerard, Desolation Angels... I got through part of the Cody book. Desolation Angels I tried to read as a favour to a friend of mine. I couldn’t get through it. On the Road I got through because it was the only book at SST to read. But the rest of it... I just can’t identify with it.

You’re tossed in with the Beat writers.

That’s too bad. Allan Ginsberg’s poetry I’ve enjoyed. I was raised with Kaddish and Howl. I think Howl is one of the strongest pieces of American literature, I mean, at that point. That’s one of those things you really wish you had written, you know, it’s a beautiful piece of work.

Seriously, who threw that jackass in with the Beat writers?  Have they actually read his stuff or the Beats?  My head is spinning.