Syntax of Things

1983's Murmur Becomes a Shout

What else happened in 1983?  Well, a little band from Athens, GA, released their first album, arguably one of the best debut albums ever.  Now thanks to YouTube, you can listen and watch live versions of R.E.M.'s Murmur and understand why a few years later a little guy from south Alabama would fall in love with them, a love that continues to this day.  (Warning: Quality of the following links is hit-and-miss, but all are worth watching if for no other reason than to see Michael Stipe's ever-evolving hairstyles):

Radio Free Europe (1983, David Letterman)
Pilgrimage (02/07/83 The Chase, IN, USA)
Laughing (Live 02/07/83 The Chase, Indianapolis)
Talk about the Passion (1985, Raleigh)
Moral Kiosk (Live 10/10/82 The Pier, Raleigh)
Perfect Circle (MTV Unplugged, 1991)
Catapult (Live 10/10/82 The Pier, Raleigh)
Sitting Still (Live 19/06/84 Rock of The 80's)
9-9 (6-9-84 Passaic)
Shaking Through (02/07/83 The Chase, IN, USA)
We Walk (Live 10/10/82 The Pier, Raleigh)
West of the Fields (1984, Manchester, UK)

And to wrap up today's posts, here's a clip of R.E.M. performing "King of Birds," my favorite R.E.M. song and on any given day I would tell you it's my favorite song of all-time.

More 1983

And while 1983 led to the album that would spawn the monster, it also saw the formation of another SoT favorite, Camper van Beethoven.  And this happens to be one of my all-time favorite songs:

By the way, it was also the year that gave us one of the best tirades in baseball history. At least one of the best ever caught on tape.

Scarlett

I'm still not digging the Scarlett Johansson Waits covers, but on this dark day for music (see posts below), it's nice to see a video by an actress who can sing as opposed to listening to a "singer" who can't act.  And again, visuals from Johannson, no matter what, are never a bad thing:

Not in My Army

When I think back to 80s videos, this is one that comes to mind.

1983

Madonna's debut album came out in 1983, the same year that the Replacements released Hootenanny, which included this song:

Speaking of the Replacements, here's perhaps my favorite song by them, although this version doesn't really do it justice:

What We All Say on a Day Such as Today...

...when we only have "four minutes to save the world" (thanks Corey V.):

Fauxness

Mad One, Ah?

I'm sad to inform those of you who like to insulate yourself from such things that Madonna's new album comes out today. 

To celebrate, Syntax of Things will be in music mode, posting a few songs and videos from time to time throughout the day that will hopefully help uplift those of you who also can't stomach the thought of another Madge album being unloosed upon the world.  And you can help.  Send me suggestions for your most anti-Madonna songs, or songs that make you forget that Madonna exists, and I'll see if I can find a copy floating around. 

To get things started, here's a video of Ciccone Youth's "Into the Groovey". 

This Do in Forgetfulness of Her

Did anyone else happen upon that mess of an Elvis tribute on CNN the other night in which an awfully frightening old man hobbled around Graceland arm and arm, then plastic cheek to plastic cheek, with a widowed Queen, who herself is looking a bit long in the tooth and stretched in the face.  But even that rather ghastly display of inanity, even on a day in which folks such as I tip our venti coffees and Percocet prescriptions skywards, when we can say that it's one of our earliest memories, this day thirty years ago when I was in Arkansas just across the Mississippi from the throne in which the king was deposed, even all of that cannot take away from the fact that this day always will be marred, that we'll not be able to have our moment to simply remember the king in death, but we may one day have people who will turn from the hips of rock'n'rollness to genuflect at the spandex of she who destroys all goodness.  August 16th is her birthday.

Elvis help us!

QotD: Meat Is Murder Edition

From now on, I'll have only nice things to say about Morrissey.  Here's what he had to say about the patron skank of this blog:

"I wouldn't be surprised if she made that African boy she adopted into a coat and wore him for 15 minutes, then threw it away."

{via}

QotD

It's been way too long since the Material Hag has made an appearance on the SoT radar, but thanks to the great ATL Malcontent, we have a little something to share.  Apparently, Madonna is still taking in oxygen and in so doing she's opening her mouth, which doesn't necessarily mean anything good will be returned upon exhale.  Quoth Esther,

"I want to be like Gandhi, and Martin Luther King, and John Lennon... but I want to stay alive."

English Thorn

While I've decided to give Madonna the benefit of the doubt as far as her kidnapping adopting of that child from Malawi goes, there is still so much that she can't be forgiven for, including:

Madonna's success has lured a host of other celebrities and publishers into the market. So lucrative has the celebrity children's book business become that the children's sections of book shops are awash with actors, pop singers and politicians, even an alleged mobster, all trying to grab their market share.

The phenomenon is most outlandishly evident in American bookshops. Over the past two months, the top five slots in the New York Times bestseller list for children's picture books have featured no fewer than three works by people famous in other fields: Is There Really a Human Race? by the film star Jamie Lee Curtis; Noelle's Treasure Tale by the singer-songwriter Gloria Estefan; and the Big Book of Manners by the comedian and actor Whoopi Golderg.

In the UK, the present top five has less of a celebrity tinge (the final Lemony Snicket is number one), but the trend is the same. Currently selling briskly in both the UK and America are kids' books by Paul McCartney, Julie Andrews, Kylie Minogue and the aforesaid Madonna. Add them all up and this starts to look not so much as a phenomenon as a stampede.

One can't help but enjoy the takedown by Ed Pilkington at the end of the article:

The English Roses: Too Good to Be True by Madonna

Bloated, vapid, frivolous, silly .. need I go on? OK, I will, with one last observation: the writing is painfully bad. "Dominic de la Guardia was quite a spiffy dancer, but all eyes were on Miss Fluffernutter. She was dancing like a whirling dervish." Spiffy? Spiffy?

Hide the Children

Somehow, our pal Ed has the skinny on Madonna's plans to help the children of Malawi.

Here are four of the six projects:
1. Madonna will hire out three of her 280 personal assistants for exactly one hour to offer his services to an underprivileged child, including carrying suitcases, providing foot massages, driving out to the nearest Whole Foods to purchase a snack (is there a Whole Foods in Malawi?), and reading the Kabbalah out loud.

Ed rants so I don't have ta.

Update:  Just to prove that she no longer has a single original idea, Madonna's done gone Angelina Jolie on us. 

Just Shut Up and Sing Retire

I can hold my blogging tongue no longer.  This latest Madonnity must be pointed out.

I have no idea why people would be interested in the political views of a 40-something entertainer who wears sequined leotards on stage, but apparently Madonna thinks she's still relevant enough to make some sort of statement with her little crucifixion act.  For some reason, though, her defense of this act reminds me of that used by the klan to defend their cross-burnings:

Madonna, in a statement made as the "Confessions Tour" ended in Japan on Thursday, said: "There seems to be many misinterpretations about my appearance on the cross and I wanted to explain it myself once and for all.

"It is no different than a person wearing a cross or 'taking up the cross' as it says in the Bible. My performance is neither anti-Christian, sacrilegious or blasphemous. Rather, it is my plea to the audience to encourage mankind to help one another and to see the world as a unified whole."

She added, "I believe in my heart that if Jesus were alive today he would be doing the same thing."

In her statement, Madonna said the specific intent of the scene was "to bring attention to the millions of children in Africa who are dying every day (or) are living without care, without medicine and without hope. I am asking people to open their hearts and minds to get involved in whatever way they can." [SoT:  WTF is she talking about?]

Okay, so the klan wasn't into the whole "unified whole" thing, but for her to say that her routine, one that a majority of Christians see as wholly blasphemous, is a plea for action, that's very klan-like.  Personally, I don't give a flying fudge what she does on a cross, but I do find it pretty hilarious that a woman who has made a career out of goading the Catholic church can claim this latest stunt isn't sacrilegious. 

Esther Unbound

Too long without news from the Madge front, so let's remedy that one.  Okay, raise your hand if you didn't see this one coming:

The pop world's most unusual partnership may be over. Madonna and Kabbalah, the once obscure sect she championed - and upon which she has lavished millions of dollars - appear to be on the verge of separation. Close friends say the singer has talked of loosening her red Kabbalah wristband and is wearying of the mystical Jewish belief system. She has decided to give it up, they say, having tired of the financial burden and the effect her strong beliefs have had on her relationship with husband Guy Ritchie.

Madonna is also said to be concerned that following Kabbalah separates her children from more conventional customs such as Christmas, which they do not currently celebrate.

Of course, she's right.  Religion should be convenient for the kids and the marriage.  Now we're all left to wonder, what's next?

Madonna Mixes Metaphors and Lives to Tell

Can't she just go back to writing children's books?

Saturday Morning Madonna Hatin'

Thank you, Ed!  Remember, it takes a village of many to slay a dragon this size:

Honestly, what is Madonna’s purpose these days? How is shallow pout constructive? There were kids at the show climbing up the scaffolding. Yes, I can tell any grandkids I might have that I saw Madonna live. But I’d rather tell them how good Damian Marley was (who I URGE you to see live): a performer who really wanted to entertain the crowd, a band with a fantastic rhythm section, and an act unafraid to shake a political stick.

For these and many other reasons too numerous to dwell upon, it must be averred that Madonna is pretty much useless to American society. One hopes that she will go away, but she can’t and she won’t. What is particularly criminal is that Madonna isn’t even capable of appealing to base instincts anymore. (And that’s saying something, because this assertion comes from a fool who thought he had the stamina of a 22-year-old and was, as a result, found in a supine position, sore and nearly incapable of walking, just before Tool came on. Apparently, twelve hours of live music and almost continuous dancing will do that to you.)

Therefore, it is up to contemporary audiences to reject Madonna in all her myriad forms. Only then can the true musicians begin to rock the planet.

Beyond Absurd

I stole this screenshot from brooklynvegan who seems to be just as perplexed as I am by how much people will pay to see a leotarded woman dance around on stage. 

The Untaming of the Shrew

In an AOL chat with her good friend Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers (a band that needs to go gracefully into Rock n Roll retirement while they still have a scintilla of credibility ), Madonna managed to make me laugh...again...:

RHanthonyCP: sweet. can we talk about the joy of the dance form known as Krumping? something you use in your new video...
MadonnaKonfesses: oh my god all hail the Krump!!!!
MadonnaKonfesses: its no surprise that i love to dance and i first saw krumping with Aries, one of my dancers on my last tour (he is also in the documentary i made and in the video)
MadonnaKonfesses: there is something raw and theatrical, something shakespearean about Krumping.

And who better to judge something's Shakespeareanness than a bona fide Brit like Madge?

And She's Not a Virgin Either

You know I just can't pass up this opportunity, don't you?  When Madonna's daughter asked the leotarded diva if she was gay because she had given Britney Spears a kiss at the 2003 MTV Music Awards, the Material Girl waxed philosophical in her explanation that she wasn't, in fact, gay: "And I said, 'No, it just means I kissed Britney Spears. I am the mommy pop star and she is the baby pop star. And I am kissing her to pass my energy on to her."

Shiver.

For Better or for Madonna: The SoT/Ms. SoT Review

Longtime readers of Syntax of Things know that I did not begin this site with the intentions of making it a lit blog or a music blog or any type of blog.  Instead, I was looking for a way to keep my relationship with my wife a happy and healthy one.  Elaine (Ms. SoT) describes me as an opinionated snob, as someone who can hurt another's feelings without intending just by saying how bad or dumb or worthless another book or movie or, most often, musician might be.  Of course, I usually preface my opinions with the fact that they are just that.  But Elaine tends to take things personally and our dinner conversations would often end in silence after a promise to never bring up music or movies or anything ever again.

Thus, over two years ago, I opened up a Blogger account.  At the time, I intended to make it a place to share my opinions without constraint.  Of course, I realized that my wife would be reading, so I felt a need to hold back some.  I knew that one thing especially could collapse the blog's fourth wall and add to a continuing and often ugly argument that we inevitably would have.

Madonna.

Elaine loves Madonna.  For her, the Material Girl is an icon, a happy part of an often sad childhood.  She recalls spending Saturday evenings inventing dance routines and lipsynching along to an entire Madonna album. I knew the consequences of trampling on this idol, but I couldn't avoid it.

Now that she has a new album out, Confessions on the Dance Floor, I've decided to prove that I'm willing to open my mind, if only just a small crack, and try out that which I most dislike.  And to further prove that I'm not all about slamming Esther, I've asked Elaine to temper my review with one of her own.  So below, you'll find the first ever Syntax of Things dueling review.  Keep in mind that I could only bear to listen to this CD once, so I wrote as I listened. Also remember that I recently quit smoking, and I had to fight more than a nicotine fit once this album was over.  That said, I'll step aside and let my amazing wife give a brief introduction.

Numb

A brief post from a man with no feeling in his feet, and without being able to feel my feet, how am I going to dance to the new Madonna album which hits iTunes today and U.S. music stores tomorrow?  I wish I had time to download it (I also rubberneck at car wrecks, by the way), but I've barely had a spare minute in between meetings and gorging myself on the delectable finger foods provided by the hotel where the meetings are being held.  If it were just one or two meetings, that would be one thing, but six meetings yesterday with the same finger foods in each, gasp.  If you are what you eat, I'm a big middle finger right now. 

Speaking of middle fingers, Dubya was attending church a block away from where my meetings were being held.  I didn't know it at the time, so the presence of all of those police cars and secret service people and all of it within sight of the White House was a little disconcerting. 

That's it for now.  Hope you're enjoying the TJ posts as much as I am.  Before TJ, I always thought that Iowa was a county in Illinois.  Now, it seems so much more than that. 

F***ing English Rose, Indeed

We're a little over two week's from the hotly anticipated release of Madonna's new album.  Too bad I can't remember what it's called nor do I care to look it up, but be sure that I'm preparing something quite exciting to celebrate. 

Meanwhile, though I don't usually care for a thing that comes out of the surgically re-restructured lips of Sharon Osbourne, how could I not report on this bit of Madge bashing:

"One day you're in f***ing gun gear, then you're in horsing gear, then you dress like a f***ing dyke, then you dress like a hooker, then you're in a flowery dress reading kids' poetry looking like a f***ing librarian - then you're back looking like an old hooker again."

Her rant continued: "For f**k's sake, who are you? At that age, you should know who you are, what bloody religion you are and what you represent.

"You can't be all things to everyone and true to yourself. I don't care who you are." Mocking Madonna's country house image and lesbian kiss with Britney Spears in a pop video, Sharon spat: "You can't one day be in Horse And Hound and the next in Dyke Weekly."

Sharon, married to rocker Ozzy, said Madge had no business writing "silly" kids' books - and acting prim by not letting her kids watch TV.

She went on: "Oh that's f***ing ridiculous, crap, f*** off - what a load of b*****ks!" The rock boss, recently voted Most Popular Expert at the National TV Awards, hissed: "And writing those painful silly books and reading them to your kids! If my mum came to me with a book like that I'd say, 'F***ing stick it up your a***'. F***ing English Roses - b*****ks."

She Hates Me, She Hates Me Not

I need to find a nemesis.  I don't think Madonna has the time to dip this low on the blog chain to discover how much a guy who can't even spell Kaballah can't stand her.  Or should I say her music.  Because when I say I don't like something, whether it be Madonna or the new Rick Moody novel, it hasn't a thing to do with the person.  If Madonna were to drop me an email and invite me for a spot of tea, I wouldn't turn her down.  Imagine that.  Tea with Madonna.  What would we talk about?  Would she make me drink Kaballah water?  Would she make me vogue?

See, I think Mark of The Elegant Variation is lucky.  He's managed to inspire a guy and an online magazine enough that they would devote five subscriber-funded pages to him.  He gets accused of having a secret crush, is called all sorts of endearing names, and is even referred to as smelling like a cat at one point.  Apparently, Steve Almond believes that Mark and TEV have enough clout that he has to use Salon as a vehicle to take them down.   Madonna, on the other hand, could care less.  She'll put out her album next month and there won't be a single mention of the blog boy in San Diego.

Should I just aim for a more modest nemesis?  Maybe I should go after Jewel.  She's a yodeler and I've made it clear that yodeling is just below Rap on my "all-time things I wish would go away" list.  I don't mind authentic yodeling, the kind done by mountain people in West Virginia.  I'm against the yodeling that isn't really yodeling.  Bright Eyes comes to mind.  Jewel might be a worthy nemesis.

I can think of other possibilities:  Jeff Probst, Chris Burke and the Houston Astros, the toothless lady at the 7-Eleven where I get my lunch Slurpee, the San Diego Reader, Irvine Welsh, hippies, the forty-hour work week, the state of Texas.  I could go on.  But no.  I started this blog because of Madonna and I won't quit until the whole world hates Madonna.  Or her music rather.  Do I smell a cat?

Breaking Madonna News, Literally

I've spent all morning trying to figure out a way to avoid being crass.  Best way, just point it out and let the chips fall where they may.  Madonna fell off a horse.

There.  That wasn't hard.  No word on whether or not this will delay the release of her upcoming album.  Giddyup!