I need to find a nemesis. I don't think Madonna has the time to dip this low on the blog chain to discover how much a guy who can't even spell Kaballah can't stand her. Or should I say her music. Because when I say I don't like something, whether it be Madonna or the new Rick Moody novel, it hasn't a thing to do with the person. If Madonna were to drop me an email and invite me for a spot of tea, I wouldn't turn her down. Imagine that. Tea with Madonna. What would we talk about? Would she make me drink Kaballah water? Would she make me vogue?
See, I think Mark of The Elegant Variation is lucky. He's managed to inspire a guy and an online magazine enough that they would devote five subscriber-funded pages to him. He gets accused of having a secret crush, is called all sorts of endearing names, and is even referred to as smelling like a cat at one point. Apparently, Steve Almond believes that Mark and TEV have enough clout that he has to use Salon as a vehicle to take them down. Madonna, on the other hand, could care less. She'll put out her album next month and there won't be a single mention of the blog boy in San Diego.
Should I just aim for a more modest nemesis? Maybe I should go after Jewel. She's a yodeler and I've made it clear that yodeling is just below Rap on my "all-time things I wish would go away" list. I don't mind authentic yodeling, the kind done by mountain people in West Virginia. I'm against the yodeling that isn't really yodeling. Bright Eyes comes to mind. Jewel might be a worthy nemesis.
I can think of other possibilities: Jeff Probst, Chris Burke and the Houston Astros, the toothless lady at the 7-Eleven where I get my lunch Slurpee, the San Diego Reader, Irvine Welsh, hippies, the forty-hour work week, the state of Texas. I could go on. But no. I started this blog because of Madonna and I won't quit until the whole world hates Madonna. Or her music rather. Do I smell a cat?